


The Months that Follow

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Lots of tears, Post Rape, Stillborn baby, Unplanned Pregnancy, getting over trauma, kind Uncle Thorin, talk of rape and sex, traumatized Fili, understanding Kili
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 22:01:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2126136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A sequel to the story "Mother!!" by ItsFili.  </p><p>Two months ago, Fili was raped by his mother, Dis, after she came home from the pub drunk.  Now she discovers she is pregnant, but she can't remember who the father is.  Fili knows.  He must reveal his shame and tell Thorin what has happened.  Together, the family deals with the aftermath of Dis's despicable actions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Months that Follow

**Author's Note:**

> If you wish to read ItsFili's story, you can find it here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1889724 - careful, it's graphic.  
> Otherwise, just read the summery to understand basically what has happened, but this story will self explain itself.

Fili never told anyone that he had been raped by his mother.  He would not let anyone know that this happened, ever.  She didn't seem to remember, so as long as he kept his mouth shut, the secret was safe.  That is until a morning, eight weeks later, Dis came out with an indignant look on her face, a tad pale. They were all sitting around the kitchen table. “What is it, sister?” Thorin asked her. “Are you all right?”

She swallowed and looked up with big eyes. “I am pregnant...”

"What?" Kili cried out.

Thorin's eyes filled with rage. His sister had been a widow these last seven decades. What dwarf had done this to his sister?

Fili turned white. No ,no, no. This could not be happening. The nightmare wasn't over.

"Don't just stand there staring, say something!" Dis sobbed.

Fili was ready to be sick. He didn't dare open his mouth.

"Um, congratulations?" Kili tentatively said.

"Who did this?" Thorin's voice rumbled dangerously.

"I don't know," Dis sat at the table and put her head in her hands. "I don't have any memories of," she sat for a moment, trying to come up with an appropriate term with her sons in the room, "of intimacy."

"Nothing at all?" Thorin asked. "Well, something must have happened. How can you not remember?"

"I don't know, Thorin," Dis cried. "I just don't know."

Thorin put a gentle hand on his sister's shoulder. "Now, now. You're getting too worked up. It's not good for you or the baby. Why don't you go lie down? Kili, Fili, help your mother to her room."

Fili flinched like he had just gotten hit. He would not go with his mother into her room. The last time he had tried to help her... that had been the single most horrible thing that had ever happened to him.

Kili stood to help his mother, but Fili was frozen to the spot. He had kept the horror that had happened between himself and his mother a secret. Not even Dis remembered. He had hoped that no one would ever have to know the horrible shame he had endured, but now, this turn of events would change everything. He was terrified. Absolutely terrified.

"Fili," Thorin barked, "help your mother."

Fili took a deep breath. Since that night, he had not willingly touched his mother, not even for a pat on the back, but he couldn't disobey Thorin. If he did, everyone would know something was wrong. He took her by the elbow and with Kili's help, she stood and walked to her room. Fili concentrated on the fact that Kili was by his side. Nothing could happen to him with Kili there. Dis laid down on the bed. Kili fetched her a wet rag that she placed on her forehead. Fili backed out of the room as quickly as he could.

Thorin was pacing the sitting room, looking very angry. Fili didn't know what to do. He couldn't ignore what happened any longer. He needed to talk to someone. Not Kili. He couldn't bear for Kili to have this knowledge. Kili still loved their mother and Fili would not destroy his love for her. Telling Thorin scared him, but if Thorin knew the truth from Fili first, maybe he'd help him. Or kill him. Fili wasn't sure at this point if life or death was worse.

"Fili, go and get Oin. He needs to confirm this," Thorin ordered.

"Would, um," Fili's voice was quiet, "Could you send Kili?"

Thorin looked at Fili. It wasn't like him to disobey or pass on a job to his brother. He saw something in Fili's eyes. It almost looked like fear. Thorin was about to insist Fili obey, but he changed his mind and nodded his head. "Alright, Kili, go fetch Oin."

Kili nodded, not about to disobey Thorin, but he looked to Fili in concern. He hesitated only for a moment before leaving.

Thorin turned to Fili as soon as the door was shut. "Now, Fili, what was that about?" Thorin asked.

Fili felt a panic rise up in his chest. He couldn't breathe. He started gasping for breath, his eyes wide with fear and his hands clutched to his chest.

"Fili," Thorin grabbed him and forced him to sit down. He pushed Fili's head down between his knees. "Calm down, boy. Deep breaths, come on now, deep breaths." Thorin had seen this on the battle field among the strongest warriors . The trauma of battle would get to them, causing them to panic and hyperventilate. He couldn't imagine what had gotten Fili into such a state. He tried to think back.

Of course, Dis's news had shocked them all, but it shouldn't have brought forth this kind of reaction from the boy. Fili had been acting odd these last few months, now that Thorin thought about it, but it had never seemed too off to worry Thorin. Perhaps he should have worried more and spared Fili his panic attack.

Fili's breathing was starting to normalize.

"Come on lad, another deep breath. That's it." Thorin sat next to Fili and released the pressure he held on his back. Slowly Fili sat up. His eyes were red and he was sweating. "What's happened?"

Fili took a few more breaths. He could do this. He would to this, quickly before Kili got back with Oin. "Thorin, I'm so afraid," Fili took another deep breath, "I'm afraid you will be angry, but I have to talk to you. You must believe me. Please Thorin, believe what I am about to tell you because it's the absolute truth."

"I'm listening."

Be strong, Fili thought to himself. "Mother, about two months ago, she went with you to the new pub and came home completely drunk. She," Fili felt the panic rising again, "she raped me, Thorin." Fili threw himself at his uncle. "She raped me, sat on me, forced herself on me and the baby is mine." Fili was sobbing uncontrollably now.

Thorin sat in pure shock. Had Fili just said his mother, Thorin's own baby sister, had raped her eldest son? The idea was sick and horrifying, but Fili was no liar. His current panicked behavior supported the truth. Fili was not like this. Ever. It had to be true. That would explain his recent distance from his mother. Dis had even mentioned it a few weeks ago. She couldn't understand why Fili got stiff as a board every time she tried to hug him and she had mentioned he would find a reason to leave the room as soon as she entered.

Fili was saying something else and it took several moments for Thorin to come out of his stupor and understand what Fili was saying.

"She thought I was Father. She kept calling me Vili and I tried to tell her over and over that I was her son, but she wouldn't listen. She's very strong. I couldn't get away." He was sobbing into Thorin's chest.

Thorin could hear voices. Kili was almost back with Oin.

"Fili, go to my room now and lock yourself in. Only open it when I come for you. Alright?"

Fili looked at Thorin in shock and fear.

"I believe you lad, now trust me and go wait in my room. Kili's back with Oin."

Fili ran to Thorin's room and closed the door. He flicked the locking mechanism then sat down on Thorin's bed. He put his head back in between his knees and tried to calm down.

Thorin had said he believed him. Thorin was protecting him. He wasn't about to die. He felt lighter for having told Thorin, like an entire warg had just been lifted off his shoulders. He laid down, suddenly exhausted.

* * *

"In here, Oin," Thorin escorted the healer to Dis's room. The old healer went in and shut the door behind him.

"Where's Fili?" Kili asked.

"I sent him out on an errand, to fetch some herbs for your mother," Thorin lied.

"Is he alright? He was acting kind of strange." Kili's dark eyes flashed with concern for his brother.

"He'll be fine, Kili. Why don't you head to the kitchen, put the kettle on and find us something for tea." Thorin placed a gentle hand on Kili's shoulders.

Kili found this gentle gesture from Thorin oddly unsettling. "Are you worried about mother?"

Thorin sighed, "Yes, my boy, I am worried about her. Go on now and do as I've asked."

* * *

Oin let Thorin into Dis's room. Her eyes were red. He felt a sudden anger and sickness as bile rose up in his throat. She had raped her son.

"She doesn't remember when this happened," Oin explained, not seeing the look on Thorin's face," so I'm not entirely sure how far along she is."

"But she is pregnant?" Thorin asked.

"Oh, aye, she is an just to guess I'd say she's in her second month, or early third month," Oin nodded. "You remember what herbs to take if you get to feeling sick?"

Dis nodded. "I remember." Her voice was flat and without emotion.

"Very well," Oin nodded and stood up. "Is there anything else you'll be needing?"

"No, thank you," Thorin showed Oin back into the sitting room. "Would you like some tea?"

Oin shook his head. "No, I've got to be getting back. Let me know if you need anything." He walked out.

Thorin joined Kili in the kitchen. The kettle was steaming and Kili had set out scones and butter. They sat together in silence. Kili ate his scone as quickly as he could. He wasn't comfortable with his mother's announcement, something was off with Thorin and without Fili around, he really didn't want to be in the house.

"Can I go to the training grounds? Gimli's there. We thought we'd have a spar this afternoon." Kili was standing and placing his cup in the wash basin.

Thorin nodded. "Be back by sunset."

"I will. Will you tell Fili where I am when he gets back?" Kili was halfway out the door. Thorin nodded again and Kili left.

Thorin sighed. His head buzzed like it was filled with bees. His sister was pregnant with her own son's child and she had no memory of it. He couldn't help it, he was going to be sick. He made it to the washroom in time and emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

He didn't know what to do, but his heart ached for Fili. He had carried this burden in complete silence for two months. He went to Dis's room. She was curled up on her side, asleep. He closed her door, then he went to his own room. The door was locked, just like he had told Fili to do. He quietly knocked on the door.

"Fili?" It was several moments of knocking before the door opened. Fili looked as if he had woken from a nap.

"Are you alright?" Thorin asked.

Fili chuckled mirthlessly.

Thorin sat back on the bed, next to his nephew. "I'm sorry, lad. I'm so sorry this happened to you and you have borne the burden on your own for so long now." He pulled Fili into a hug.

Fili burrowed into his uncle's chest. "She ruined me, Uncle. She took from me my virginity and now she is pregnant with my child. No one will want to wed me now. I can no longer be your heir and Kili will scorn me forever," Fili cried.

"No, son, not true. Kili will love you no matter what. You are everything to him. You are still my heir. You've done nothing to dishonor me. I am not ashamed of you."

"But who will have me now? I am almost an adult. I should be looking to marry in the next decade or two, but who will want a soiled prince, who has a child with his own mother?" The last words were filled with such venom, Thorin felt sick again.

"Listen to me. What if you were to meet a lovely lass who had been the victim of such an act? If her father had forced himself on her, would you hate her and think her vile?"

"Of course not. It was not her fault," Fili said.

"Then why would it be different for you?"

"Because she's a lass and I'm a trained warrior whose mother bested him," Fili said.

"A victim is a victim, no matter who it is."

Fili pulled away from Thorin's chest and looked into his uncle's face. He was surprised to see Thorin's eyes filled with such sorrow.

"What happened was not your fault. Never for one moment think that it was." Thorin braced himself for his next question to his nephew. "Would you tell me exactly what happened?"

Fili closed his eyes. He was not going to die. Thorin wasn't angry with him. He was safe. So he took a deep breath and told Thorin all he could remember. He was red with shame and embarrassment and he was crying by the end of his story, but it felt so good to get it off his chest.

"Lad, I can't say sorry enough to you, but thank you for coming to me and telling me this. I'm sure it wasn't easy. I wish you had come to me sooner, though." Thorin held Fili and let him cry until he was done. "This is not going to be an easy time and we, you, have many difficult decision ahead. Your mother does not remember. How do you want to go about that?"

"I don't know. Part of me what to keep this a secret forever, but part of me wants to tell her. Let her know what she has done to me. What she took from me."

Thorin nodded. "She may well remember what happened on her own. If she does, well, I don't know what we'll do. Cross that bridge when we get to it, I guess. But, Fili, you don't have to be around her again. You don't have to ever see her again. She wronged you. Her punishment is in your hands."

Fili's eyes snapped open wide. "I don't want anything to happen to her. She's been a good mother and now she carries my child. I don't want anything to happen to my baby."

Thorin smiled. "You're a good son. I will never leave you alone with her. I will protect you, always."

Fili took in a shaky breath.

"Will you accept the child as yours?" Thorin asked, "Or, would you rather a brother than a son?"

"I wouldn't mind him raised as my brother, but that would be lying to him, wouldn't it? His life should not be based on a lie," Fili said.

"Hmm," Thorin looked over Fili's face. His usual youthful mirth was gone and instead was replaced with the heavy burden of adulthood . "You are very mature, Fili."

"I have to be. I'm going to be a father."

Thorin's heart broke. Fili would make a fine father, but he was too young. There should have been more years of youth before the responsibilities of adulthood and parenthood took their place in his life. He was so angry at Dis for doing this to his golden nephew.

"I agree. Your child's life should not be started on a lie. You know what this will do to your mother?"

Fili chuckled darkly. "What does it matter? Whether the child is raised as my son or my brother, he will be born to a widow out of wedlock. There's no getting around that for her."

Thorin sighed. "You're right. I will support you in whatever decisions you make and they ultimately will be yours to make, and your mother's, but let me advise you and set out before you your options."

Fili nodded.

"For appearances sake and the least humiliating for your mother, would be to feed her and others the story that on that night, she was so drunk she must have lain with a dwarrow, which resulted in the pregnancy. However, there is a good chance the child will look like you. And if the child has golden hair, like yours, there will no doubt who his father is. There are so few golden dwarrow, like yourself."

Fili's eyes filled with tears again. He had always looked forward to children of his own. A golden haired son, like him. Like he had been for his own father. It was not suppose to be like this. Oh how he hated what his mother had done to him. She had taken away something so precious from him. And now, no matter what happened, his life was forever changed. He got angry and stared to pound at Thorin's bed. Tears fell down his face as he punched the bed and the pillows over and over. He was so angry at his mother!

Thorin stood by and watched Fili lose himself to his anger. He was completely helpless. The best thing was to let Fili tire himself out. He bed was being beaten and his bedding thrown around, but he didn't care. He was angry at himself for not seeing the signs earlier. For not being home that night to protect Fili. For getting onto Fili this very morning when he did not immediately obey Thorin's orders to help his mother to her room. How that must have hurt him. Thorin was ready to start beating up his bed too, but Fili finally seemed to be calming down.

He pulled Fili into a hug and held him tightly, wishing that somehow he could draw Fili's pain away and take it upon himself.

"Shh, lad. You're going to be alright. I'll protect you." He gently rocked back and forth, like he had done when Fili had been an infant. They stayed that way for a long while. "You need to tell this to Kili."

Fili pulled away, "Oh no, Uncle. I can't. He doesn't need to know."

"I understand you don't want him to know, but he needs to know. The truth is going to come out one way or another and it's best if he hears it first from you."

Fili shook his head. "What if he hates me? He'll think I'm disgusting and hate me."

"No, he won't," Thorin said, but Fili continued to shake his head. "Lad, what if the situation was reversed? Would you want to know if this happened to Kili?"

"Yes."

"Would you find him disgusting?" Thorin asked.

"No."

"He won't either. If you want, I can be there with you when you tell him or if you'd rather be alone, I'll make sure you have your privacy."

Fili only nodded.

"What can I do for you now, lad?"

"I don't know. Where's Kili?"

"At the training grounds with Gimli."

Fili stood up and looked around the room. "I'm sorry about your bed, Uncle. I shouldn't have lost my temper."

Thorin gave him a gentle smile. "It's alright. Better my bed than many other things in this house."

"May I go join Kili? I feel the need to vent out some more frustrations."

Thorin nodded. "Sparing and weapons training are good ways to work out anger, but be careful when you do that. Anger can make us strong, unpredictable and unfocused. It's easy to hurt yourself or others when you let anger drive you."

"I'll be careful. And Uncle? Thank you." Fili hugged him again before he slipped out.

Thorin turned to his bed. He was ready to pound his fists into the bed when he heard his sister scream from the other room. Instinctively, he ran to her room to protect her, but as soon as he saw her, the urge to protect was gone and his anger rose again.

"Fili!" she cried out. "Oh my, oh my!" She was crying. "My Fili, my Fili." So, she had finally remembered. She looked up to see her brother, the anger in his eyes. "I thought I had dreamt of Vili. Of making love to him again that night and it was wonderful, but it wasn't Vili at all. Oh my goodness, it wasn't Vili. It was Fili! He did this to me."

"No Dis!" Thorin roared. She was startled and frightened by her brother's anger. "You will not blame Fili. You did this to him, not the other way around."

"What? No, I couldn't have," her voice shook. "He's my son. I never would have done that to him." She didn't sound quite so sure of herself.

"You were drunk. You thought he was Vili. You forced yourself on him and he was too scared of his own mother to fight back," Thorin growled at her.

"No," she cried. "No. Tell me that's not true."

"I wish I could, but you are pregnant. You raped your son and now you are pregnant with his child."

"Oh, Thorin. By the Valar, my son. My poor Fili."

"You are never to be in a room alone with him again and you will not see him until he is ready."

"I'm the one who is with child. Why do you punish me?" Dis asked obstinately.

"Because you are the adult. Your own son's scared of you now. He did not take you by force. You forced yourself upon him. Yes, you are the one who will physically suffer the most with a pregnancy and birth, but think about what you took from him. One day, he will want to marry and he will have to explain he is not a virgin because he was raped by his own mother. Think about that, Dis. What will that be like for him or the lass he wants to marry?"

Dis could only cry. He was right.

Thorin sat on the bed next to her. Despite everything, she was still his baby sister and he loved her. He put an arm around her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered.

* * *

Once he was there, Fili didn't feel like sparing. He wanted to crawl into a cave and ever come out, but Kili called to him to watch the fight. Fili sat on the fence and watched his brother circle Gimli a few times.

Even though Gimli was a decade younger, he was big, like his father and Kili was skinny for a dwarf. One might worry that Gimli could easily tackle and crush Kili, but Fili knew better. Kili was fast and agile. He used his size to his advantage and while he looked thin, Fili knew Kili's incredible strength. They had spared and trained together their entire lives.

For a while, Fili forgot all his troubles and fears. He watched Kili, cheered him on, smiled and laughed. For a while, all was right in Fili's world. When the sun started to drop in the sky, Kili and Gimli called it quits. They washed up, laughing and slapping each other on the backs.

It was on the walk home that Fili's reality came rushing back into his mind and he suddenly felt like he was being crushed. He tried to take deep, even breaths, and focus on Kili's body next to his. He felt Kili's hand on his arm. He looked up to see a very worried face.

"Hey, Fili, are you alright?"

"What? Oh, yeah, fine." Fili stuttered.

"I know you better than that. What's wrong, Fee? We were talking and then it was like you weren't there anymore. You looked like you were starting to hyperventilate. "

"Oh, it's," Fili paused. He had to tell Kili. He couldn't face Thorin or his mother until he had told Kili. "I need to talk to you."

They kept on walking. Kili stayed silent. He knew Fili would talk when he was ready. When they got back to the house, they sat on the bench just outside the front door. Fili was doing his best not to panic. It wasn't what he had to say that made him afraid, it was Kili's reaction to the news that he feared. Kili was his brother. His best friend. He loved him and feared losing him. He took a deep breath and looked into Kili's eyes.

"Two months ago, mother came home from the pub. She was drunk and couldn't walk straight. I took her by the arm to help her to bed. She thought I was father. I kept telling her over and over that I was Fili, her son, but she wouldn't listen. She grabbed me, held me down and," he was gasping for air again. The word was so painfully hard to say.

Kili gasped and squeezed his arm. "No, Fili. No."

"She raped me, Kili."

Kili shuddered and choked on his own air. His hand of Fili's arm was like a vice. "No. Please. Take it back. Say it isn't so."

Fili was angry now. He had been looking for understanding from his brother. This was exactly the reaction he feared. He had followed Thorin's advice and now Kili hated him. "It's true, Kili," he said angrily. "I would never make up such a horrible story."

Kili threw his arm around Fili's neck. "Oh, Fili. I'm so sorry. This is terrible. How did this happen? Where was I that I wasn't by your side?"

"What?" Fili was confused by Kili's change.

"We're hardly ever apart. Why was I not by your side? I should have been with you. I didn't protect you." Kili was crying into Fili's shoulder.

Fili was dumbfounded. "Kili. You shouldn't have to protect me. I'm the older brother."

"We're brothers. We look out for each other. Wait, two months ago? You have kept this secret from me for two months? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was ashamed. Ashamed of what happened. Ashamed that I was too afraid to fight mother off, but she's strong. She's very strong."

Kili gave a light chuckle. "I know Mother's strength. I've been drug around by my ears before when I've gotten into trouble. I would have been afraid to fight Mother, too."

"Really?"

Kili leaned into Fili's side. "Yes. You haven't answered me, though. Where was I during all this?"

Fili was slowly realizing his brother didn't hate him. He hadn't pushed him away in disgust. Yet. "You were out with Gimli. You had invited me to go out with you, but I didn't feel like it. Thorin and Mother were gone to the new pub.  I was enjoying my time alone in the quiet. Before Mother came home and ruined my life forever."

Kili didn't speak. He just leaned against his brother, letting the news sink in. Fili had been raped by their mother. It was sick. He was angry with her. How could she do this to Fili? He was mad at Fili for keeping this a secret from him. Did he really think so little of Kili that he could not share his pain? And now Mother was... Kili gasped.

"Mother's pregnant," Kili whispered, his head slowly lifting from Fili's shoulder. He tried to look Fili in the face, but he kept averting his eyes away from Kili. "Fili, look at me, please." Slowly Fili's tear filled blue eyes met his own. "The baby. It's yours?"

Fili nodded. Kili stood and ran to the side of the house and vomited on the ground. He heard Fili's sobs when he was done. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve and ran back to Fili, throwing himself at his brother. "Forgive me, Fili. It's not you. I'm an sickened by my mother, not you."

Fili could not stop crying. Kili was kneeling in front of his brother, his head against Fili's chest. He cried for his brother. He heard the door open and a moment later, the strong arms of his uncle enveloped them both.

"Boys," he said. "it's late. Time to come in."

Fili's panicked look prompted Thorin to give him another hug. "Trust me, Fili. Kili and I will help you. We need to talk, the three of us, but I will not do it out here."

They followed Thorin into the house. A fire roared in the hearth. The room was warm and comfortable.

"I take it Fili told you what happened to him?" he asked Kili.

"He did. Did you know about this?"

"No. Not until today. Your mother's awake. She remembered what happened on her own." The boys gasped. "She feels terrible, Fili. She truly does. Whatever else happens, just know she feels horrible and is very sorry. That said, I have told her she is never to be alone with you again and that she is not to see you until you are ready. When you are, just tell me and Kili and I will accompany you."

Kili's head nodded up and down. "I'll never leave your side again."

"That's not necessary, Kili, or possible." He gave a light chuckle. "Really, I don't want you with me when I'm using the toilet."

Kili chuckled too and put his arm around Fili's shoulders. "Alright, not in the washroom."

Thorin smiled. "Do you wish to see her tonight?"

"No! No!" Fili panicked again.

"Calm, Fili, peace. I was only offering. That's fine. She will remain in her room for the rest of the evening. Come to the kitchen. I've pulled some dinner together."

The brothers followed Thorin and they ate sausages, bread, fried tomatoes, and cold chicken. Little was said and Fili was grateful. Their silence was not unkind. As uncomfortable and hurt as Fili felt, he felt better being near his uncle and brother.

When dinner was over, they went to their rooms to get ready for bed.

"Kili?" Fili whispered in the hall. "Will you sleep in here tonight? You can have the bed. I just don't want to be alone."

"Of course I'll stay with you. Let me get my things and I'll be back." Kili smiled and went to his room next door.

Fili used the washroom and got back to his room the same time Kili did. Fili started to get his pillow off the bed, when Kili grabbed the pillow from him and hit Fili over the back with it. "What do you think you're doing?" Kili grinned. "Your bed's plenty big enough for the both of us. It will be like when we were dwarflings. Remember?"

"What? You'll curl around my head and drool into my hair?" Fili smiled.

"I never drool!"

Pillows were tossed at each other for several minutes and the brothers laughed quietly. They rearranged their blankets and pillows and got into bed. Fili laid on his back, looking up at the ceiling. His mind was in a whirl.

Kili was on his side, staring at his big brother, who he loved and admired above all. "Fee, I'm sorry about everything. If I could, I'd go back and fix things."

"I think we all would. And thanks Kee, for not hating me," Fili said.

"I could never hate you. Never in a million years could I hate you," Kili sighed. He couldn't stand seeing Fili in pain. This wasn't a pain that some herbs and a bandage could fix. He wished it was that simple. Would life ever be normal again? He knew it never could be. Not when there would be a child to remind them every day of what had happened.

"Fili? The baby," Kili saw Fili flinch. "Will he be my brother or my nephew?"

"Both," Fili sighed.

"Well, it doesn't matter to me," Kili said. "He's a part of you, so I will always love him."

* * *

Fili couldn't sleep. He was glad his brother was close. It brought comfort, but his mind would not rest. He stood up and stretched his back and arms. He would go get a drink. Quietly, he opened the door and peeked out, down the hall. His mother's door was closed, but Thorin's door was slightly ajar and light was spilling out. He quietly knocked on the door.

"Uncle?" Thorin opened the door.

"Can't sleep either?"

"No. Can I talk to you about, um, something?" Thorin stepped back and let Fili in. They sat on the edge of Thorin's bed.

"What's on your mind?"

"It's about, well, what happened. You know," Fili's voice dropped to a whisper, "sex."

Thorin smiled to himself. "I'm a dwarrow, Fili. You can talk about anything to me. Even sex."

Fili sighed in relief. This still wouldn't be easy, but this had been bothering him for a while. "What Mother did to me, was awful. I always kind of thought sex was supposed to be nice, but it was awful. Is it always so terrible?"

Thorin felt terrible for the boy. His first time should not have been traumatic. "No, it's not. When it's with the one you love, the one you want to share that special moment with, sex is a wonderful experience. It makes you happy and it feels so good. What happened to you was all wrong."

"But, the thing is, when it came to the end, you know, the end?" Fili looked to Thorin, who nodded in understanding. "It felt good. I, um, well, you know, finished. I had an orgasm." For Fili, that had been the worst part of the entire ordeal. Twice he had felt pleasure at the hands of his mother. He shuddered at the memory.

Thorin's arm was around Fili's shoulders. This was certainly a conversation he had never planned on having with anyone. "Fili, your body was created to feel pleasure during the sex act. It doesn't matter how or who stimulates your body, your body just reacts. It's like being tickled. Even if you don't want to laugh, when your body is tickled, it makes you laugh. It feels good, even though you don't want it. Do you understand?"

"Yes," Fili looked to his uncle. "But it was terrible to feel that pleasure. It was good and horrible all at the same time."

"Yes, I'm sure it was, but it's not normally like that. You've got nothing to be ashamed of."

"Will it be different? When I'm with a lass?" Fili asked.

"It will. So very different and so very, very wonderful. When the times comes, and you are with the one you love, the one person who you want to make love too, you will be ready and happy." Thorin sighed. He hoped Fili would take heart in his words.

"Can I talk to you about it, anytime?"

"Anytime. I'm here for you." They sat together for several minutes before Thorin spoke again. "It's been a tough day, hasn't it?"

"I think I've cried more in the last day than I have in the last forty years," Fili chuckled. "I hate crying. I never want to cry again."

"But it's alright if you do. Don't worry. One day, things will be," he sighed, "normal. One day you'll wake up and you won't think of this. It's won't weigh so heavily on your mind."

"I hope so. I'd better get back to bed. Night Thorin, and thanks."

"Night, Fili."

* * *

Dis and Fili avoided each other. After two weeks, Fili agreed to see her and allow her to apologize. He accepted her apology and believed she felt true remorse, but he was having a hard time forgiving her. Kili stayed by his side when he was at home. Fili felt better with his brother near him. Nothing could happen if Kili was with him.

Things were never quite the same as they had been before, but life did start to normalize. Fili worked in the forge with Thorin during the day. When he wasn't working, he would spend his time in the training arena, honing and perfecting his skills with his double swords.

He and Kili would go out on camp-outs and hunt for food. As long as he was not in his mother's company, Fili was happy and normal.

Four months passed with few problems. It was odd to see his mother's stomach swell with the child. He had only the vaguest memory of her looking like that with Kili. No one talked about the baby, which Fili felt sad about. It was part of their family and everyone pretended like it wasn't there. Fili couldn't tell if he was excited or not and he hadn't decided if it would be his sibling or his child.

It was more his sibling, he guessed. It was his mother who carried it and would give birth to it. Fili had done little to contribute to its life. Contributed he had, and against his will, but it was his mother who was suffering and doing all the work.

Thorin was late tonight. He was meeting with the local civic leaders of Ered Luin. They met monthly to keep each other abreast of what was going on in the village. Dis was in the kitchen, humming quietly to herself. Fili and Kili were sitting by the fire, talking, while Kili fletched arrows.

There was a crash from the kitchen and Dis let out a pained cry. The boys jumped up, but Kili was the one who ran to her.

"Mother, what's wrong?"

"Fili, go get Oin," she gasped, directly speaking to Fili for the first time in weeks.

Before he could run out, Fili saw what was going on inside the kitchen. His mother was hunched over, her hand cradling her swelling stomach and a pool of blood and water was at her feet. Fili ran as fast as he could.

He pounded on Oin's door for several seconds before the old healer answered.

"What is it, boy?" he answered grumpily.

"It's Mother," Fili panted. "I think something's wrong with the baby."

Oin's expression changed immediately. He grabbed his bag. "Tell me what you know."

"She screamed and there was blood on the floor. She sent me to get you. That's all I know," Fili explained as they jogged back to their house. "I need to go get Thorin. He's in a meeting."

"Be quick lad. From what you say, I won't be able to save the baby's life, but hopefully I can save Dis's life," Oin jogged into the house.

Fili stopped dead in his tracks. The baby would die? His child would not live? Oin had already pronounced his son's death sentence. He heard a scream from his mother and it snapped him out of his thoughts. He turned and ran to the council house. Dwalin was standing guard. Fili ran to him.

"Get Thorin, please. Tell him something's wrong with the baby."

Dwalin didn't hesitate and he turned to go in. In only a few moments time, Thorin ran out the door.

"Fili," he grabbed his nephew's shoulders. "You bring me this message?"

Fili nodded. "Mother, she was in the kitchen. She let out a scream. There was blood on the floor and she was holding her stomach. She told me to go get Oin. I did and he told me he can't save the baby's life and he could only try to save Mother. Thorin, I don't want mother to die. I know I've been angry, but I don't want her to die."

Thorin gave Fili a bear of a hug. "Come on, we need to be there for her."

They ran back to the house. Fili could hear her cries before he even arrived. Thorin ran in and went right to Dis's room. Kili stood alone in the sitting room. Fili went to him and held him.

"Oin had me take in hot water, blankets and all the flannels we own. Mother was a mess. Blood everywhere. She looked to be in such terrible pain. I'm scared, Fee."

Another cry from their mother echoed through the house. There was nothing they could do, so they sat and waited. Finally after several hours, the crying stopped. They stood, waiting, holding their breath, straining their ears for any sound. After what felt like forever, the door opened and Thorin stepped out. He held a bundle of blankets in one arm. He came to them.

"I'm sorry, boys. The babe's dead, stillborn." Thorin unwrapped the blanket to reveal the tiniest thing Fili had ever seen. It was a baby. A perfectly made baby, but it was the size of his hand. With one finger he reached out and touched the baby. His brother. His son. The baby was soft, but cold.

Fili let out a sob. Life was too cruel.

"How? Did mother do something?" Fili asked.

"No. Oin said that sometimes these things happen and no one knows why. He thinks the baby died, on its own and your mother's body went into labor to expel the child," Thorin wiped at the tears that fell down his face. "It's no one's fault. Not yours, not mine, not your mother's."

"May I?" Kili asked. Thorin nodded and Kili took the blanket from Thorin. "Wow. He's so perfect, Fee. He's beautiful. He really, really is."

Fili picked up the tiny baby out of the blanket and held it in his hand. He stroked the head, covered in a velvety layer of blond fuzz. He looked as if he could be asleep. He really was a beautiful child. Fili pulled it to his chest and gently pressed his lips to its head. His son. His beautiful, perfect son. And he was dead.

"How's Mother?" Kili quietly asked.

"Alive," was Thorin's answer.

"Will she recover?" Kili asked.

Thorin sighed. "We can only wait and see. Oin's the best healer this side of the Misty Mountains. He'll do everything he can for her. I had better get back to her. Will you boys be alright?"

Fili nodded. He sat down, still holding the baby in his hand. Kili sat down next to him.

"I don't want Mother to die," Kili said.

"Neither do I."

"Can I hold him?" Kili held out his hands.

Fili passed the baby to Kili. Kili held it with reverence, one finger touching the baby and exploring its tiny body.

"It's amazing, isn't it? So tiny, yet he has all his fingers and toes, hair on his head and it's obvious he's a he." Kili kissed the velvety head. "I'm sorry he never had life. Look at those arms. Definitely the arms of an archer."

Fili laughed quietly. "Surely not, Kili. He would have learned double swords, like me. Those are the arms of a swordsman."

Fili smiled a moment longer. They would never find out. Kili started to cry. He hugged the child at his chest and cried. Fili's arm was around his brother.

"He never got to live and now Mother may die," Kili sobbed.

"Shh, now," Fili soothed. "Mother's strong. She'll recover."

"But what if she dies? You will never have forgiven her and she'll die."

Fili was struck by Kili's words. He was momentarily angry. He was under no obligation to forgive her for what she had done. But no, Kili was right. If she died before he could forgive her, he would feel terrible and carry that around the rest of his life. He would forgive her. It didn't mean he had to pretend nothing had ever happened. His relationship with her was forever changed. But, he could forgive her. He stood up and went to her room. Oin was talking quietly to Thorin, who sat by Dis's side, holding her hand.

His mother was white, like snow. It was terrible to see her like that. It was as if all life had left her. His mother, who had loved him, raised him, fed him, taught him, was at death's door. He might not have another chance to set things right.

"Fili?" Thorin acknowledge him.

"How is she?"

"It's not looking good, lad. I'm sorry," Oin said.

"Fili?" Dis's voice was less than a whisper. It was a breath, quiet and fragile. Her eyes remained closed, but her hand moved.

Fili went closer to her and reached out to pick up her hand. "Mother."

"The baby's dead," she said.

"I know. I saw him."

"I'm sorry Fili. For everything," her voice was hoarse.

"Mother, I," he took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. "I forgive you. For everything."

She smiled. Her eyes still didn't open, but she squeezed his hand before falling into unconsciousness again.

* * *

Fili woke with the sun streaming through the window and onto his face. He had fallen asleep in the sitting room on the couch with his son on his chest. He stroked the tiny, cold back. Thorin walked in with a tea cup. Keeping the baby in one hand, Fili took the tea and sipped at it.

"How's mother?" he asked.

"She still lives." Thorin sat next to Fili. "We have to bury him today."

Fili nodded. "I know. "

"Does he have a name?" Thorin asked.

"No. I thought Mother would name him."

Thorin shook his head. He ran a finger along the baby's leg. "She told me a few weeks ago she wanted you to name him and now, she might not wake before we must entomb him. He needs a name for a proper burial."

"I'll think of one. Where's Kili?"

"He's out at the tombs, preparing a space. As soon as he's back, we'll be ready."

Fili took the baby to his mother's room. She was still white, her breathing shallow.

"Thorin told me to pick a name for him," Fili told her unconscious body. "I hope what I choose for him will be acceptable to you. We are going to bury him later. Perhaps he will be next to Father. I, um," Fili paused, looked into his mother's white face. He had scarcely looked at her at all since the incident. She looked so tired and more lines seemed to cross her face. "I don't want you to die, Mother. I know that things between us can never be quite the same, but you're still my mother and I love you. I don't want you to die."

Fili heard Kili's voice in the other room.

"Kili's back," Fili still spoke to her. "Time to say good bye." He pressed the baby's head to his mother's lips. She didn't move or respond in anyway.

"What are you doing?" Thorin walked in.

"Giving her a chance to say good bye."

"Kili's back. Are you ready?"

Fili nodded. He wrapped the baby in a deep blue blanket Dis had made. They went to the tombs, the three of them.

"Here, lad," Thorin took the blanket with the baby. "Aule, Father of the Dwarrow, receive this child. Take him back to your halls. Let him join his honorable fathers. His was a life to short, but he was loved by his family." Thorin looked to Fili. "What's his name?"

"Hurm. His name is Hurm."

"Honor," Kili whispered.

Thorin nodded. "Hurm, son of Fili. You are a son of Durin. Join your fathers and be at peace." He handed the baby to Kili.

"Farewell Hurm, my brother. You will never be forgotten." He kissed the baby's head before passing him to Fili.

"My son," Fili cradled the baby to his chest, "Your life was created in fear and pain, but you have ever been loved. I wish you could have lived; could have grown. I wish you could know your brothers and your uncles. I wish you could have known your mother. I'm sorry, my son. I'm so sorry. I will always love you." Fili kissed the baby's head once more and placed him in the tiny tomb Kili had prepared.

Thorin set the lid on top with a heavy, final thud.

Fili fell to his knees and cried for his loss. Kili knelt beside him and held him.

"I must get back to your mother. Kili, stay with him. See that he gets home," Thorin said, laying his strong hands on their heads.

"I will, Uncle."

Fili didn't know how long he sat there. "It's better this way," he whispered when he cries had calmed.

"No, Fili. Don't say that," Kili pulled him closer.

"A life should be created in love. His was not. Everything was wrong and who knows if he could have had a normal life with his brother for his father. It was too painful. Too complicated. Mahal took him back, to protect him."

Kili nodded. He supposed Fili was right, but he wished with all his heart tiny Hurm could have lived. Kili had had all sorts of plans. He would finally get to be the older brother. He would have taught Hurm to play, to sing, to swim, to shoot a bow. No matter the baby's conception, Kili loved him.

"Do you think Hurm will be waiting for us in the Halls of Mandos? He never actually lived." Kili's breath stuttered.

"Mahal loves all his creations. I believe Hurm will wait for us. We must make sure we live our lives in a way to make him proud of us."

"I will, Fili. I will."

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I covered this delicate topic with sensitivity. Loves to all who have suffered through such events.


End file.
